


Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

by LucianCarter72



Category: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)
Genre: Action, Canadian, Reboot, indie film
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 11:58:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19829728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucianCarter72/pseuds/LucianCarter72





	Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

A stormy night. A lonely road in a dark forest. A 2016 Versa, driven by John.  
John drives, struggling to see. Ahead a figure is flagging him from the side of the road. He brakes, too  
hard for the slick roads, and goes skidding into the ditch. As he gets out, the person who was flagging  
him down approaches. John starts angrily asking the man what the hell he was doing. He is interrupted  
by the man baring fangs and leaping at him. Vampire!  
The vampire easily overpowers John and pins him down. Just as the undead monster is about to bite  
into John’s throat, it explodes as a wooden stake pierces its heart from behind. Shocked, John looks up  
to see an unkempt man, bedecked with weapons, looking down at him.  
“You have a car. I need a lift.”  
“You saved my life but, what the holy fuck is going on?”  
“Don’t blaspheme please.”  
“You don’t like swearing?”  
“You can say ‘fuck’ all you like. I’d just prefer the holy part left out.”  
“Ok, what the actual fuck is going on?”  
“Better.”  
“Can I get an answer, then?  
“That was a vampire. There are more. I need you to drive me to the cottage they’re planning to attack.”  
“Cottage? Attack? Attack who?”  
“A mother and three children. Is that reason enough for you to help?”  
“Yes, yes of course.”  
The cottage would normally have taken at least forty minutes to drive to. In this weather? More like an  
sixty. John made it in twenty-seven. John’s occasional efforts at small talk were shrugged off.  
As they reached the isolated wooden structure, the stranger pointed to the St. Christopher’s medallion  
hanging from the rear view mirror.  
“Best take that,” advises the hunter as he races to the house.  
“I should?” John tries to ask, but he’s been left behind. He grabs the medallion and races after him.  
At the door, a mother is inviting them in. The mother falls to her knees crying in front of the stranger.  
John is baffled. The mother says the hunter has answered her prayers.  
“How did you even know this was happening?” askes John.  
“Because, I’m Jesus Christ.”  
“You’re a looney.”  
“I don’t have time for this,” says Jesus as he grabs a bottled water and, right before John’s eyes,  
transforms its contents into wine. John faints. He wakes up to wine being splashed in his face. The  
mother introduces herself as Carlotta. Her kids are hiding in the storm cellar.  
“If you’re Jesus, you’re all powerful. You can just snap your fingers and disintegrate them or turn them  
into newts or something.”  
“No, I can’t. Vampires are the foot soldiers of Satan. The ancient rules of engagement of the old war still  
remain in place. We can fight vampires only as long as we embody our human avatars. I retain a fraction  
of my power, but I am far from omnipotent.”  
“Ok, well. I should get going…”  
Before he can finish, a rock shatters a window. A note is attached. John reads it.  
“It says they want one of the children, and they’ll leave the rest of us alone…”  
“They can go to Hell,” snarls Carlotta.  
“We’re going to send them there right now,” says a determined Jesus.  
“Why don’t they just bust in?” asks John.  
“They can’t enter a residence without permission.”  
“Great!”  
Another window shatters, but this time, it’s a Molotov Cocktail.  
“Doesn’t stop them from burning the house down.”  
“Oh… not so great.”  
Carlotta rushes to put the fire out.  
“I’m going out there to fight them.”  
“You don’t even know how many there are.”  
“Six.”  
John shrugs. “Ok, you do know how many there are. That’s six-to-one odds.”  
“Never tell Gods the odds.”  
Jesus heads out.  
Five people are waiting. Two are gorgeous young women, looking just over 18. Another is a weasely  
looking man who could be in his 40s. One is an older looking woman, still striking nonetheless. She is the  
leader. At her right side is a monster of a vampire, built like a football coach’s dream.  
“Give it up, you so-called Savior,” says the leader. “Or we’ll see what your blood tastes like.”  
“Leave now, or I’ll get cross,” says Jesus.  
“Hilarious. You know, you have a martyr complex. Get him.”  
The cheerleaders move in. They start by attempting to distract and dazzle with a dance routine designed  
to highlight their… attributes. But their sweet looks and sexy moves quickly morph, as they grow wicked  
looking claws and charge the son of God.  
Jesus agilely dodges their raking slashes. He has near Matrix level flexibility and coordination. They try to  
flank him, then charge from opposite sides. Jesus leaps towards one, drawing a stake as he goes, and  
drives it into the first’s heart. She explodes into dust. Snarling, the other closes. Jesus draws a large  
bladed heavy axe and, on the backswing from his first attack, he decapitates the second vampire.  
The weasely man bursts at him. As he does, he leaps up and morphs into a giant bat. He bowls through  
Jesus, taking him off his feet. Circling back, it morphs again, this time into a two-legged, massive winged  
man-bat hybrid. It lets out a screech and moves to rend Christ from above. Suddenly there is a shrill  
whistle and the Man-bat grabs its ears in pain.  
Carlotta is blowing a loud, high-pitched whistle. John looks confused.  
“Bats use their ears to see. Noise like this is like a finger to the eye to that thing.”  
As the beast is distracted, Jesus regains his feet and nails it with an uppercut. As it reels, Jesus does a  
leaping spin kick and knocks it down. Before it can recover, Jesus drives another stake into its heart,  
ending it.  
Suddenly, the linebacker vampire grabs Jesus from behind, crushing him in a bear hug. Jesus appears  
trapped, and even in pain. The struggle goes on for minutes, until Carlotta rushes toward them with  
bottled water.  
“Jesus!” she cries, “Bless this water.”  
Jesus says something in Hebrew. Carlotta splashes the vampire in the face with the water. It burns the  
beast like acid. He drops Jesus to grasp at its half-dissolved face. Perfectly calm, Jesus moves in and  
peppers his foe with strikes and kicks. After over a dozen strikes, Jesus draws a sword from his arsenal  
and beheads his enemy.  
“Give up,” says Jesus to the leader.  
“Not tonight, I think.”  
“I thought you said there were six,” John suddenly realized.  
“He meant me,” came a man’s voice. From the side of the house comes a man.  
Carlotta gasps, “Luiz?”  
As everyone is distracted, the vampire leader draws a sword of her own and charges Jesus, slashing  
deep into the side of his chest. Jesus grimaces, but does not cry out.  
“Carlotta,” says Jesus. That thing is not your husband. His soul is gone. That’s just a demon in his body.”  
“Don’t listen to him Carlotta. He’s just angry we lived together in sin. He wants to tear us apart. He  
wants to break up our family.”  
“Forget them,” says the leader, “Worry about me!”  
She comes at Jesus swinging. An epic sword battle begins.  
Meanwhile, Carlotta is an emotional wreck. She simply can’t accept what has happened.  
“Come here, my dearest,” he says, widening his arms. Crying, she moves in to hug him. As they close,  
Luiz bares his fangsOnly to have a St. Christopher’s medalling shoved into his mouth.  
“Fuck you!” yells John.  
The medallion burns just like the holy water and Luiz chokes as he spits it out. His intent is clear. He  
closes on John.  
The sword fight continues. Injured, Jesus is not at 100% and he is slowly driven backwards.  
John desperately dodges back from Luiz. As he tries to turn to run, Luiz catches him by the wrist and flips  
him to the ground. Just as John seems doomed, Carlotta brains Luiz with a shovel. It doesn’t kill him, but  
it knocks him down and stuns him.  
Meanwhile, Jesus has been backed to a pond.  
“You’ve got nowhere to go now, Daddy’s boy.”  
“Ever heard of the Bible, shit for brains?”  
Jesus leaps backwards, landing on the water like it’s a sold floor. The vampire leader’s jaw drops. Jesus  
charges back at her, moving faster than a human should be able to, and leaps, anime style, high into the  
air. Dropping down, sword extended, Jesus flies straight through the vampire, cleaving her in two at the  
waist. She dusts.  
Luiz is fighting his way to his feet as Jesus returns. Jesus flips a stake to John, who happily drives it into  
the former Luiz’s back.  
Dawn.  
The three sit, drinking wine. The mood is hardly celebratory.  
“Can you bring him back?” Carlotta finally asks Jesus.  
“No, not after his body has been soiled. You will meet again when Gabriel’s trumpet blows.”  
“I should get going,” John said. “Or have I had a bit too much to drink?”  
Jesus waves his hand at John. “You’re sober now.”  
“Wow, I am. Do you need a lift?”  
“Cars don’t go where I’m going.”  
“Well, it was amazing to meet you. Too bad, nobody would ever believe this story.”  
“Thank you John,” says Jesus with a wave. “And I hope I haven’t turned you off of stopping to help  
strangers.”  
“We’ll see.”  
John headed out, back to his mundane life. Amazingly, just ten miles up the road, he came to a stopped  
car. A woman was at the side of the road, jacking up the car to change the tire.  
“I guess I better stop. It might be the Virgin Mary.”  
It wasn’t. But, eleven months later, that woman became his wife.


End file.
